Thad Guy

How Tucson Jack Developed His Respect for The Guacamole Man

I like to think that Jack was the person who would result if someone tried to actually average everyone together. Jack was generally nice, given the opportunity. He was mostly honest. He was of modest intelligence, yet diligent enough that his intelligence didn’t actually matter. His hair was always a little messy, but never really out of control.

Jack was born in the sun washed city of Tucson Arizona. Though he had tried living in other climates he found that he preferred the weather in Tucson. A big puffy winter jacket was never really Jack’s thing. He had this strange fear that he might not be able to get out of it. In the winters, rather than deal with snow Jack enjoyed hiking around Tucson and the reliable crunch of pebbles under his shoes.

Though Jack disliked the cold he also didn’t appreciate it much when the weather went over 90 degrees. In the summer Jack stayed inside most of the time. He would dread leaving the air-conditioned interior for that short walk to his hot car. Over the years the land around Tucson had been scrubbed by the wind and sanitized by the sun. Its simple yet chaotic order could be found in Jack himself.

Jack was never really much of a drinker and his wild streak was limited to one time when he was dared to run around the block naked. Yet, if I had to guess I would say that he would have been quite the party animal if his friends had encouraged that in him. As things worked out Jack preferred the movies to parties.

When Jack was twenty-five he met a girl that he really liked to be around. Neither of them actually wanted to get married. There was something strange in the possessive relationship marriage implied. But, they both felt like it was the way things were supposed to go. The only real reason they got married was because they had been together for a while.

* * *

For their honeymoon Jack and his new bride when to Hawaii. Neither of them had ever been to Hawaii, or especially liked the beach. But, others went to Hawaii on their honeymoons and who really cared enough to fight a trend like that?

On their first day in Hawaii Jack went out to the grocery store to stock up for their weeklong stay in the islands. On the road from the grocery store back to the hotel there was a gigantic avocado tree. Its branches spread out to the size of a two bedroom one and a half bath house. Standing on the side of the road Jack decided that he wanted one of the football-sized fruits to eat later that day. They were so plump and looked perfect for use in a fresh dip that could be eaten on the balcony of their room while they watched the sun set into the ocean. But, the massive branches of the tree were not quite able to stretch all the way to the side of the road.

The base of the tree was down a rather steep hill. With flickers of sexual fantasies flashing through his head, Jack started down the hill to get an avocado. As he progressed down the hill the avocados only receded further overhead. Jack tired to climb the tree but this proved itself to be more difficult than what his childhood memory had lead him to believe. The tree trunk was slippery from the Hawaiian moisture and jumping to try to grab one of the slick branches seemed like a bad idea on the steep rocky ground.

Jack was sweating a sizeable amount after a few jumps and was getting frustrated with his attempts to rightfully retrieve his avocado. Being fed up with the difficulty of this rather simple quest Jack found a large stick and preceded to swat at the tree. For the most part he missed the tree branches entirely. However, on his fourth swing Jack hit a rather small branch straight on, which sent a shock wave through his entire skeleton. Three avocados promptly fell and landed a little downhill of where Jack was. Only partially moving by free will Jack chased after two of the avocados that had rolled from the landing places. After about ten feet of losing ground to the avocados he gave up the chase and started back to the road.

The tropical Hawaiian climate on this particular hill at this particular time of day was amazingly similar to the climate of a hot tub. It was really nice if all that you wanted to do was sit there. However, doing much more, such as putting your head under water and doing laps, was quite uncomfortable. Jack started to trudge back up the hill towards the single avocado that had not rolled off. With each step Jack understood more and more clearly that the avocado was not worth this entire escapade. Jack was drenched in sweat by the time he made it back to the avocado he had knocked off the tree. It had been damaged in the fall; however, it was big enough that there was still plenty of unspoiled avocado on it. After another five vertical feet Jack had developed a hidden disdain for the ten-pound avocado yet he refused to leave it behind and return with nothing.

When Jack successfully made it back to the road, he had developed a wheezing gasp, a deep desire for water, an irrational fear of fruit flies, and, partially due to the sturdiness of the avocado in his arm, an honest respect for those who make guacamole at the tables of certain upscale restaurants.

According to staff at the hotel where Jack was staying, this sort of thing happens all the time, but usually with quite a few more fruit flies.


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